Fear Of Nothing
Fear is only temporary, regret lasts forever.
I have been so afraid to fail. Afraid to give my all and end up with nothing. I tried to go for Plan B and C and sometimes D, took jobs I liked but did not love, I compromised too much, I did not respect myself enough to let myself live to my fullest potential.I let go of my dreams. I thought my dreams were too big and too crazy, or maybe it was society making me feel that way, I did not love the person I had become, she stressed me out. She was not herself. She was not free, but formost, she was not fulfilled. She was a fool running in circles in search of nothing.
I tried to be someone I was not.
We are all searching for true connection. It's built within us. This voice inside, wanting to be understood and loved unconditionally.
Love has it's own kind of magic, It's hard to understand something that you don't understand. You bend, you break, you search but you don't understand. It comes and it goes but It can never be replaced, only become something new. Something different. The love that you feel for someone, and when that person leaves you, you don't understand. You feel stupid, you feel like a fool, lonely, you don't feel connected. Maybe you love someone so hard but they don't love you back. What is that? Is it real love? Is it is it love or infatuation? When do you know when love is real? Does it have to be both ways? I though I knew. Maybe I didn't after all.
When my 10 year old relationship ended this past August my fear died. I was numb, quiet. All those thoughts that constantly buzzed inside my head were gone. Numb. I don't think I have ever been as strong and as calm as I was on August 19th. You can't choose what happens to you, but you can choose to find and embrace the light in any situation. To listen. To search for the connection.
Regardless, I knew one thing, I had to look for the light. I was not going to let myself down. My heart was broken enough I had to give myself back. For me. My heart was like a balloon that kept being stabbed and I tried to blow it up but did not have enough hands to cover up all the wounds. As much as the truth hurt. It was the truth. He never wanted to hurt me.
Love Never Fails.
You can't understand what you can't understand. I decided to focus on the love that I had and focus on what truly made me happy. I have been putting my dreams to the side for years and now after losing love like this I was fearless. I did not care if I failed. I had already lost at love, I cared to try. I cared to find my own happiness, love myself. The only thing I can control is what I decide to do with my life. What goals I set for myself and how I decide to live my days. How I want to be towards others. My grandfather used to say, "There's light in everyone and everything. Find it. Focus on it. "
It's OK to say " God, I don't think I can forgive, but I'm asking you to give me the grace and strength to do it!" To forgive. To show grace towards everyone. The lead image is taken just a few days before our relationship took an unexpected turn. Somehow it's one of my favorite images. It breaks my heart to look at it at the same time that It makes me feel really loved. Find the light, focus on it.
I still feel like a fool. Fooled. But I'm certain everything will fall into place. We so often see just the perfect side of life and no one opens up for real. I think it's important to share and I will do so slowly slowly. I want everyone out there to remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
"The whole deal about loving truly and for real and with all you’ve got has everything to do with letting those we love see us. Silence makes hard things harder than they need to be. It creates a secret you’re too beautiful to keep. Telling has a way of dispersing things. The other side of fearlessness is fear. The other side of strength is fragility. The other side of power is faith. Put yourself in the way of beauty. When the path reveals itself, follow it. "
Image by : Laura Goldenberger ( CanyonMoonRise)